Sunday, January 6, 2019

A whole brunch of trouble

I’d like to tell you a story about my weekend. It starts out with a very kind invitation from an elderly widow a few houses up. Let’s call her Mrs. Whitman. I hear she doesn’t get out too much and is rather lonely, so I guess she decided she wanted to get to know her neighbors a bit better. She invited us and a few of her other neighbors over for a casual get together this morning.

Mrs. Whitman is apparently something of an experienced chef because she prepared some truly amazing food, much of it from scratch. The rolls and cheesy grits were quite tasty, but the quiche really blew me away. I had to compliment her on it, of course.

The problem is one of the other guys who was there. We’ll call him “Tony”. Tony is really competitive and can find a way to turn anything into a fight. I don’t know how he does it, but it always bothers me and I sometimes let it get under my skin a bit too much. In any case, today Tony was in rare form, even for him.

As soon as I complimented Mrs. Whitman’s quiche, Tony had to jump in with an even more superlative compliment comparing it to something he’d eaten on a fancy European trip across France and Italy and how this surpassed even the master chefs there. Flattered, Mrs. Whitman insisted he have the last slice.

I really don’t know what came over me. I think I said something like, “Oh, but I must have just a taste more, it’s truly divine” as I quickly reached for the pie server to cut off just a bit for myself. Tony’s hand was already halfway to there and we locked eyes as we each laid our hands on it.

That must be why we didn’t notice that the cut glass pitcher of sweet tea was right there next to it. Of course, our sudden movement as we each went to pull the server our way somehow ended up going sideways, and we knocked the half full pitcher right over into Mrs. Whitman’s lap. It bounced off and fell to the hard wood floor. As it landed just wrong, the handle snapped off and shattered.

To make matters worse, that delicate pitcher had been a wedding gift and was one of the few things she had left that brought to mind her dear departed husband. Needless to say, the brunch was completely ruined in that single instant. Nothing either of us could say could repair the damage done. We all said our goodbyes rather awkwardly shortly thereafter and I don’t expect to be invited back.
It just goes to show - one mad grapple spoils the brunch.
Oh, and if you're feeling bad for Mrs. Whitman? She really only invited us over because she’s the leader of a local grannie gang. She wanted us all out of our houses so her people could break into our places.

Luckily we have a good security system, “Safe Hello”, which caught them and set off an alarm. By the time we were on our way out, the cops had already arrived at the street and were rounding up the culprits.

Here’s the real twist, though. Tony is one of their enforcers and was in on it too! So we know due to Safe Hello Tony’s Whitman’s friend.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018


[To the tune of "A-roving"; clean and G-rated, if slow tempo, version here]
Election Day, it’s time to vote
Mark well what I do say
Election Day, it’s time to vote
Unless you are a giant dolt
It’s time to go a-voting, Election Day!
A-voting, a-voting I’ll fill my ballot with black pen
It’s time to go a-voting, Election Day!
I looked up all the candidates
Mark well what I do say
I looked up all the candidates
Found some were sane and some were nuts
I went into my polling place
Mark well what I do say
I went into my polling place
For I had studied every race
They handed me my ballot then
Mark well what I do say
They handed me my ballot then
And to the booth I gladly went
I filled my ballot out with care
Mark well what I do say
I filled my ballot out with care
For that’s the reason I was there
When I was done I checked it twice
Mark well what I do say
When I was done I checked it twice
There’d be no rolling of the dice
I put my ballot in the box
Mark well what I do say
I put my ballot in the box
And got a sticker! Voting Rocks!

Monday, October 29, 2018

Some responses

I reject the thin offer of your thoughts and your prayers
Sickly saccharine sweet they should stick to your tongue
Their paper-thin promise of protection leaves the space between us

You think you present me with a gift of comfort
When what I need is for you to do and to stand
The gift you are giving is to yourself
As you swaddle yourself in impotent, ignorant inaction

Don't think to tell me of God's will
Where was God when the trigger clicked
When the bullets flew
When blood spilled?

God will not save us
Because God has already given
All that we need
To change the world

Our strength
Our voices
Our minds

How can you expect more bullets to solve this?
How can you expect the threat of death to deter?
Hyped on violence and sick twisted words
An attacker fears no pain

And one more life is one too many

Monday, April 2, 2018

Lord of the Pings

A friend got an email from Amazon signed:
"Best regards, 
Amazon Web Services"
So I wrote a poem:
All that’s on hold is not bitter,
Not every caller is lost;
The password so strong is no quitter,
Root login protect at all cost. 
From sleep the VMs shall be woken
A light from the LEDs springs
Restart all the Blades with ring tokens
The cloud will respond to all pings

Friday, February 17, 2017

The best thing

Roses are red
for a new one

the best thing about it
was that I was able
(for the first day)
to work
on the weekend

Red but not only

Roses are red
or... "red
but not only"; a
good thing
to be thankful to be.

The only thing
I have ever
is that it


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

"The Time of Silence" by Sleepin and Bedbunkle

Hello 5:30 frenemy
Here once again it's you I see
I truly wish that I were asleep
Yet I was woken when I heard a peep
And the dreams I had are now buried in my brain
And I remain
Awake to seek - my caffeine

Friday, July 18, 2014

Dual ACDC power supplies

CPUs, racks of blades
Liquid cooled, we've got it made
Server rooms with fiber lines
Where the gigabits keep on flowin' through the night
The website's themed blue
The service ain't free
We need banner ads to pay the fee
Hey user base
Get with the times
The perks, the features, they cost some pretty dimes
Pay wall, pay wall, login costs you money
Pay wall, pay wall, register your credit cards
Pay wall, pay wall, login costs you money
Pay wall, pay wall, register your credit cards

We run fine with quad cores
Every one's bit sixty four
We log your use, 'til you sign out
Then cookies keep tabs on web sites you've found
The website's themed blue
The service ain't free
We need banner ads to pay the fee
Hey user base
No privacy
You surf, you browse, we like what we see
Pay wall, pay wall, login costs you money
Pay wall, pay wall, register your credit cards
Pay wall, pay wall, login costs you money
Pay wall, pay wall, register your credit cards

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Too many chickens!

What happens when your kids inspire silliness? Why, I'm so glad you asked.

Friday, April 4, 2014

News Limerick: Times are changing

The sticklers for time say, "That's great!
Let's sync to it, don't hesitate.
We'll meet to discuss
How this affects us
You know that we'll smirk if you're late."

It's about time: New atomic clock is more accurate

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Space Limerick: Take this Opportunity to do some Spring cleaning

The Martian dust sunlight was screening
But now towards the sun it is leaning
As seasons there change
The winds rearrange
The rover just had some Spring cleaning

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Abbey Formerly Known as Downton

I was watching on the TV
The channel was on PBS
I cried with Lady Mary
When Carson brought booze I said,"Yes."

Lord Grantham was speechless
And Bates was hobbling everywhere
The footmen vied for screentime
The maids they just pretend to care

'Cause it's time for Downton Abbey
Gonna watch it later, how 'bout you?
Tonight I'm gonna party like it's nineteen twenty-two

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Space Limerick: Lonely Planet

A planet without any star
It seems that it isn't too far
We may change our tune
"That isn't a moon!"
The Empire strikes from in thar

Baby Free-Floating Planet Found Alone, Away From A Star

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Dishward bound

Hello dishes my old friend

I've come to clean up you again
The scraps of food that I'll be scraping
While at grunge I will be gaping
And morsels that swirl slowly down the drain
Still remain
Amidst the sound of soap suds.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Space Limerick: Hubble image of comet ISON

The beauty of space is surreal
This image has got some appeal
Just look what they found
The objects abound
That star at the bottom is teal!

Stars, Galaxies, and Comet ISON Grace a New Image from Hubble

Monday, July 15, 2013

Space Limerick: Washing Your Bald Head

If washing your hair is a chore
The scrubbing and rinsing's a bore
Just try it in space!
You're bald? In that case
You won't have to worry no more

Washing Your Hair in Space, Bald Edition

Space Limerick: Star Party

Come in! It's a fine stellar party!
We hope that you're feeling quite hearty.
As upwards we gaze,
The whole cosmic maze
Won't wait for the ones who are tardy.

Virtual Star Party – July 14, 2013